A problem Congress can’t solve

After attending a transportation hearing earlier this month, your contributor was inspired to pen this satire.

Congress recently held yet another hearing to determine what to do about its bankrupt National Grocery System, but as per usual the invited panel of esteemed grocery “experts” provided little in the way of useful advice.

Congress runs a nationwide system of grocery stores that charges its customers $50 for each bag of groceries they take home, a price that has not changed in over 20 years. These days it is not nearly enough to cover the costs of the groceries provided, so Congress covers the shortfall by transferring a few billion dollars from its general fund, something that no one is terribly happy about.

{mosads}The grocery system has systemic shortages, with steaks, chicken breasts and bacon being perennially difficult to find, especially in the suburbs of major metropolitan areas. Shifting population patterns have made these shortages even more acute of late. Congress is determined to arrive at a long-term solution for this as soon as possible.

The chairman of the House Grocery Committee began the hearing by asking the panel to come up with some practical funding solutions to erase the annual shortfall in the system. The first witness up suggested that Congress simply charge more for each bag of groceries they take home. No member on either side of the aisle was happy with this blithe response, with several noting that U.S. taxpayers work hard and already pay a lot of taxes, and no one wants — or should have to — pay more than $50 per bag for their their groceries.

When the witness responded that the $50 per bag fee not really a tax, since people are essentially paying for goods they directly receive, members took it upon themselves to explain to the dimwitted Ph.D. economist what a tax is and what it is not. After that, noted grocery economist Bill Pond testified that Congress should consider charging people not by the bag, but by the item, so that the price people pay for their groceries reflects the actual cost of the groceries being provided. He noted that such a system has been successfully implemented in various areas in Europe and Asia with great success.

The members were beside themselves at this suggestion, taking turns pointing out to the hapless Pond that their constituents already have to buy things at a market price elsewhere and that they’re going to revolt if this radical approach were extended to groceries. While charging a market price may work for those quasi-socialist countries in Europe, the free-market U.S. of A. isn’t going to stoop to such government intervention, Rep. Bob Paulson thundered at Pond.

The remaining witnesses were just as bereft of ideas, suggesting such nonstarters such as reducing the size of the bags, asking the states to cover a greater share of the cost of the groceries or open their own grocery stores, or that the federal government simply get out of the business of selling groceries, which brought forth a chorus of opposition from the committee’s members. “We know the grocery market and where we need to expand or build new grocery stores better than anyone out there,” explained the ranking member of the committee, backed by nods of agreement from both sides.

The hearing ended after a scant 80 minutes, with members on both sides expressing their disappointment that their witnesses seemed out of practical ideas for fixing the system.

Brannon was an economist for both the Senate Finance Committee as well as the U.S. Treasury.