In Rod We Trust

A recent Rasmussen poll indicates that 84 percent of the American people believe that Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D) should step down. The prestigious MILLS-MIUAYG (Make-It-Up-As-You-Go) Poll reports that the dissenting 16 percent who think he should remain in office represent all the reporters and bloggers who would love nothing more than to be writing about this story for the next month.

Let’s face it, worrying about Governor Rod sure beats the heck out of trying to figure out the nuances of how President-elect Obama plans to pay for his healthcare plan.

I can see it now: “Standoff at the Statehouse!” Helicopters above. Live 24/7 cable news television pictures. Breathless commentary from those who knew little Roddy as a young boy, but never suspected a thing, even when he was earning his spending money by selling infield positions on his Little League team.

Being a quintessential sunny optimist and “glass half-full” kinda guy, I do see a few upsides to the sordid Blagojevich story.

One: Assuming that every governor gets at least a few VIP inauguration tickets, I expect Blagojevich’s are about to be lost in the mail, if you catch my drift. More room for the rest of us.

And, if, by chance, inaugural planners have already sent the tickets, I expect the governor may have already started a bidding war for them on eBay.

Since we live in such perilous times of bankruptcies and bailouts, I also see the possibility of giving the taxpayer a little break. If Blagojevich winds up having to serve time, I think we should at least get a two-for-one special since we already have a former Illinois governor in jail. At least we should think about double-bunking them in the same cell. Gubernatorial bunk beds?

Better yet, maybe we could get one of the networks to produce a weekly reality show. Blagojevich, Ted Stevens, Duke Cunningham, Jim Traficant. Put ’em all in the same cell and get it all on camera. Must-see TV, baby!

All the advertising money could go to a General Bailout Fund. Maybe we could give Ford, GM and Chrysler a reduced rate for commercials.

Another way to go, since Blagojevich seems to have the salesman’s touch: Let him have his own show. Maybe a hybrid C-SPAN/Home Shopping Network joint venture. We get Ol’ Rod up there selling whatever he wants: Senate seats. Board positions. Office furniture. Phones that have been bugged. What a great stocking-stuffer that would be for the political junkie who has everything.

And remember — all the proceeds go to the General Bailout Fund. A real win-win situation for the taxpayer. These are challenging times, folks, and with all humility, this is exactly the kind of “outside-the-box” thinking we need to get us out of the proverbial ditch.

Just do me a favor, Governor, if you happen to read this. If you haven’t put your inauguration tickets on eBay yet, give me a call. I am sure we can work something out before your [bleeping] [bleep] [bleeper] constituents try to get their grubby little hands on the things. You and I are men of action. Call me. But use a random pay phone this time. We wouldn’t want anyone else listening in.