Pullout Now

Now that Gen. David Petraeus and Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker have completed their testimony, this is how the Democratic presidential candidates are going to react over the next several days:

Obama: “I am calling for the complete withdrawal of all of our troops immediately, and I want them out by the end of next year. I also condemn in no uncertain terms the MoveOn ad, but let’s face it, the general did betray us.”

Clinton: “I think Senator Obama is being naïve. But I demand that we pull out all of our troops, too. And while I think MoveOn.org is also naïve, I love them like little brothers and sisters.” 

Edwards: “I can’t believe these senators are funding this war. There are two Americas in this country. One America wants us out of Iraq right now. The other continues to vote to continue this war. And my opponents are part of the other America. And as far as I am concerned, MoveOn can move in with me in my big new house.”

Biden: “It will take us years to get out of Iraq. So why don’t we just keep them there in support of my partition plan, which is the only realistic solution? We can put most of the troops on the northern border to stop the Turks from invading the new Kurdistan.”

Richardson: “I say we go now. Let’s leave everything there. The Green Zone. The Humvees. The Burger Kings. All of our weapons. Let’s get out now!”

Kucinich: “MoveOn is part of the conspiracy. They are just stooges for The Man. I say that we decommission our troops and recommission them as part of my new Department of Peace. Then they can become goodwill ambassador to our friends in Iran.”

Gravel: “Kucinich, the thing I love about you is that you make me look sane by comparison. But actually, I like that idea. Department of Peace … hmmmm.”

Dodd: “I can’t believe I am losing to all of these bozos. Three decades in the Senate, and still nobody knows who I am. This is depressing.”