Whites Out Front

Hello. I am Bob. And I am a white American. I mean WHITE. I fit all the stereotypes. My soul food is Wonder Bread. I am so ashamed. No, not because we are responsible for so much injustice and oppression. There is that. But I am embarrassed because as a group, we whites don’t have a spokesman or two to express the feelings of all of us.

We don’t have a Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, who apparently have been chosen by African-Americans to ALWAYS represent them.

What’s that? Nobody chose them? Except the TV news bookers who are desperate to get a guest for their shows? It doesn’t matter. The point is that it’s high time people of non-color had their own public face.

But who? Well, there is an obvious choice, someone who has had years of experience. I am speaking, of course, of Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.). You will find him wherever there is a camera. He will speak about whatever is the single issue of the day that the media are covering. But while his strong suit is politics, I’m not too sure he’d be the “Go To” guy when the talk is about the Paris Hiltons of the world, who so dominate the news these days.

I also thought of ex-Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (R). Nobody is whiter than Mitt. But he wouldn’t be predictable. You’d never know from one day to the other what his position would be. He’s already told us he’s the most Republican of the presidential candidates, and don’t “Republican” and “White” mean the same thing? Still, he’s probably a little busy these days trying to purchase an election. So maybe we could look elsewhere in the realm of politics.

How about Dan Quayle? God knows he’s available. Or Grover Norquist? Wouldn’t it be cool to have a Grover as the spokesman for white people?

I was also thinking of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.). But a woman? Next thing you know she’d probably want to run for president or something.

I’ll tell you what. I’d like to call on my dozens of readers. I need some ideas. All of us of who are not beyond the pale need someone to put out there. Someone, like the Revs. Jackson or Sharpton who are always available to speak for all of us, who can come up with the day’s white sound bite. The bookers will thank us.