New Campaign Announced

by John Feehery - 11/23/07 1:58 PM ET

Jan. 3, 2045

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Friends of the Earth and All Other Regions (FEAR) today announced a campaign to ban all electricity use by human beings.

“Electricity is a silent killer. It’s dirty, dangerous and destructive,” said Joseph Kennedy V, “and it is high time that we take this last step to get back to nature.”

This follows FEAR’s successful campaign to get rid of coal-based electricity, nuclear-based electricity, wind-based electricity and solar-powered electricity.

FEAR’s campaign is expected to meet little resistance in Congress. Few Americans, unless their last names are Gates, Buffett, Soros or Kennedy, can afford electricity, thanks to the success of FEAR’s earlier campaigns, so most voters don’t know what electricity can really do.

Environmental scientist I. M. Krayzee, a supporter of FEAR’s campaign, had this to say: “Let face it. Electricity has been bad for people. Air-conditioning is bad. It made people move to Florida, and destroyed the Everglades. Refrigeration is bad. It made people fat. Too much food. Cars are bad. Too much exhaust. Television is bad. Too much mindless entertainment. Computers are bad. Too much information.”

Liberal activist C.R. Unchy agreed. “People are not meant to eat meat. They are meant to live off the land with berries and twigs. And refrigeration has been a boon to the meat industry. They must be stopped. Stopping electricity is the best way to stop them.”

Middle Ages historian Arthur Schlesinger IV announced his support. “Sure, life was hard in the Middle Ages, but it also had great meaning. By getting rid of the scourge of electricity we can get back to a more noble time, when just getting through the day alive could be seen as a real accomplishment.”

Economist R.U. Dreary put it in more stark terms. “The bad news is that more people will die long before they would have only 20 years ago. The good news is that we have finally found a long-term solution to our huge Social Security problem. You can’t collect Social Security if you can’t survive to 65.”